I am reading the book, "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" and
find the first major question it asks very difficult to answer. It is so
simple really.
I love the story
of Cinderella, not the abusive step-mother and wicked step-sisters, although I
know those characters well from my past, but the realization of a dream and of
course the happy ending. The question is this though, who am I in the
story? I said I was found in many of the characters at different points
in my life but that just sounds good and isn't true. I wanted to
be Cinderella and be the belle of the ball and as I remember back I
was told that I was once.... but I didn't believe it and it never touched me.
How sad that is to know that your dream had been realized in your youth
but you missed it hiding behind your fears of rejection and
abandonment. No, it wasn't my fault entirely as I was young and I had no
control over what others did or said to me, those people who should have been
encouragers played out villains instead. Was it a masked ball? Yes,
I see there is a mask in place and I am still afraid that I will never realize
my dream of finding someone to laugh with every day, to journey through whatever
life has for us, yes, even to grow old with. My Russian friend said, “You
need to simply let yourself fall in love.” I think he has something here.
My mask is this, I am strong and a woman and none of this really matters.
It all matters. Pain can't be pushed into a closet for long; it
needs to be let out, felt and learned from.
Okay, I started to
fall in love with someone.... yes I gave up a piece of my heart. I stand
and say I do not regret it because I don't. It brings back all the
wonderful feelings before people broke promises and broke me. I am today,
standing under a shower and allowing those feeling to flow over me. I am
beautiful and lovable and precious. Yes, I am a strong woman
but I had to, to survive. I can be both and that is me.
Thank you Jesus
for letting me stomp my foot and be mad, to run and let that wild thing inside
me out, but most of all thank you for always being with me, never abandoning
me, for loving me, for telling me endlessly, tirelessly that you love me just
the way I am. Yes, you made me, ME, for the pleasure of knowing me. I am
your Cinderella, your princess and I know without question that you want me to
know that deep inside.
I do believe.
I do know that you have someone here in life for me but your timing is
significant. I accept your timing but will do my part and not stop
looking. I will not close down and hide behind the wall again or any self-made
barrier.
Today I found the first stone to put in my princess crown…. under
pressure even coal turns into diamonds.
The first stone is grandidierite one of the rarest stones on Earth. It is a unique stone in that it is trichroic,
transmitting blue, green and white light.
Yours always,
Elizabeth Antonnette
